Two days ago, I found myself walking to work in tears. No idea why. I just couldn't stop crying.
Yes...it may have been a hormonal thing, and in hindsight, I think I probably should have called in sick, turned around and headed home, but I thought that work would 'cure' whatever was bugging me.
Later that night, the feeling had subsided a little, but there was still this 'nagging' in the back of my head.
I think I may have previously mentioned that I'm now living on my own for the first time in my life, and I've been having some anxiety alternating with mild depression...not sure if that's what's causing the tears, I'm thinking that it might have something to do with the whole "empty nest" thing. I can't think of what else it might be. Don't get me wrong; I'm happy in my skin, in my place, but I can't shake this feeling that I should be doing 'more'...that I should have 'more'...that I should be...'more'.
Anyone else feel this way?
Logical thinking tells me that all is fine, that I'm being...I'm not even sure what I'm being, but I still can't shake this weirdness. I'm in good health, no issues there.
Maybe it's because the kids aren't the center of my universe anymore; I get to think about myself after twenty-some-odd years of thinking about and doing for other people. It's really strange not to have to anymore.
I find myself having to stop and take a deep breath every so often a few times a week, just to stay in check.
What I'm feeling isn't stress; it's anxiety, but I've started doing yoga, getting some breathing exercises as well as meditation, and it's all helping.
Part of my problem is that I'm impatient. I've never had patience. Now that the time in my life that I've been waiting for is here, I want everything NOW.
My name is Debbie.
I'm what some would call a "single mom, empty nester".
I've been divorced for 16 years, raising our kids alone, but not entirely alone because my ex lives in the same city, and he's not what some might call completely "absent", though the kids lived with me full time.
Now that the kids have grown up and left "the nest", I can't tell you how many times I've heard the phrase "you can do whatever you want with your life now!" But those of you who're sitting in that boat beside me know that, that's a HUGE sentence. There are SO many things that I want to do!
Not that long ago, I thought, "What the fuck do I wanna do?? Where do I start?" When the kids were still at home, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. But now?? Shit. No idea.
I'm trying to wrap my head around the "anything" part of that sentence.
So I made a list. I figured that was as good a place to start as anywhere.
What do I want to do?
I can't afford to 'retire' at this point. Still gotta work. But I'm too fucking 'old' for the bullshit that we need to endure at most jobs. I love my current job. But I like nice things, so I need to make more money.
The list has to consist of the things that I actually like to do. Things that I could do for a living without feeling a ton of pain in the process. If I dread doing something, regardless of how much I'm being paid to do it, it ain't worth it.
I want to be able to spend 6 months in the city that I live in now, and 6 months in a place like the Dominican Republic or Grand Cayman.
I want my own business, but I'm not interested in having "clients" (been there...done it). I don't want to have to 'answer' to anybody, and I don't relish the thought of chasing those clients for money owed.
I also don't want impatient clients calling me with 'expectations' regardless of where I'm living. I'm not interested in deadlines or timelines with regard to other people's 'expectations', so a client based business is completely out of the question.
I've heard 'business coaches' brag about how much money they make because they have "X" number of clients that they acquired with little or no real effort, and that might be true. But there's no telling how much 'hoop jumping' they have to do to keep those clients happy once they have them. Been there. Done it. Bought and burned the t-shirt. No thank you. I'm too old for 'hoop jumping' in my work life. Fuck that.
So the list is as follows;
*Gotta work, but don't wanna answer to anyone. It's gotta be something that I run, that lets me be just about anywhere while doing so. Whether that's lying on a beach somewhere with a laptop on my knees, only opening it to upload some kind of new design, or to check my bank balance (though it's 2017; I can do that from my phone).
*I want to live in a sunny, warm climate (duh) for half of the year. I'm done with this cold, rainy shit in the wintertime
*I need to stay completely independent. Meaning that I've never been the type who relies on anyone else for a living, including a 'significant other', that includes relying on 'clients' who may or may not pay on time. Not looking to hop back onto that sinking ship.
*There has to be some creative aspect to what I'm doing, or I can't do it.
That's about it for the 'work' list. What does your 'dream work list' look like?
Peace.
Debbie
